2010 Award Recipient of the Roboto Hate Machine

While I was out getting shit done, it seems I received the Roboto Boards highest award of Hate Machine. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend the awards ceremony, but consider this post my acceptance speech so we can all move on.

Oh, Roboto, from you I expected MOAR.

Let me start off by dispelling some common myths:

What’s up with this Iron City Punk?

It’s been years since the last release, and each time it’s changed hands. I was approached to do Iron City Punk vol. 4, and we got permission from Debbie, Rich Bach, etc. to go ahead and use the artwork and name.

Many of the bands are in the studio finishing their tracks now.

I am creating my own Roboto.

Join us at Fooboto.com

One board to rule them all… Your posts will soon be contributing to the dystopia that is the Fooboto Boards. I personally certify the Fooboto boards are over 9000% better with our Nigerian hosting provider.

But in reality, Taylor Mervis was just trolling.

IndyMedia in Pittsburgh is Dead.

Just look at Pittsburgh’s Indymedia Website: It’s dead and it’s your fault.

What you neglected to mention was instead of whining, I went out and covered the G20.

Note: Rust Belt Radio is a very different story. Also, Ed Filowatt and Jeff with the Mattress Factory did a great job with the Crows system. Seriously, if you’re reading this: Pittsburgh’s Indymedia needs some major help, please volunteer if you can.

I do not live under the Birmingham Bridge, but I do enjoy drinking with the home-bums.
WTF Guys? Let me Google this for you… I have photos from events all over Pittsburgh and Philadelphia by different promoters (including Manny). I even held the  The Discovery Zone venue in my garage when Taylor Mervis lost her old venue. While you’ve been discussing who I am, I’ve been in throwing Punk Island in New York (18 stages, 130+ bands, 6,748 attendees), threw together D.O.A. in Pittsburgh, and covered the Toronto G20. When’s the last time you left you hipster lair?

222 Ormsby was the right place for D.O.A. to play.

D.O.A. at 222 Ormsby was not Eviction Fest 2010. We put it at 222 Ormsby because we’re looking at strengthening the community, not our wallets. As Joey Shithead said, “You have a good thing going here. Don’t fuck it up.”

The final bill was:

1. D.O.A. (Vancouver, CANADA)
2. Destroy Everything (Chicago, IL)
3. The Dirty South Revolutionaries (Charlotte, NC)
4. Plastered Bastards (Pittsburgh, PA)
5. Cast Out (Pittsburgh, PA)
6. Burning Heads (FRANCE)
7. Murder Majesty (Las Vegas, NV)

For $7? You all missed one hell of a show.

Stay tuned for more…

Lock Up Your Kids

Louisiana natives tell tales of days lost in the bayou. Each story follows a similar pattern of events. While trudging through the murky waters, an upright bass captures the heartbeat. Two female voices entangle leafs with an eerie radiance. Eventually they would enter an enchanted campsite of lost boys and crust punks. The victims would awaken with the fire’s last ember. The only thing left were the songs etched onto their souls.

Locals call it, The Endless Night.

Kimi, Joe, and Reba, were once like you and me. One faithful day, they became love struck mid-performance, driven mad by a straightedge muse. Immediately after that performance, they vanished into the boxcars of a local train yard. Their names and instruments were all they retained.

Mad with music, Wifebeater rejects society. Legislators see them as a scourge on the rolling plains of existence – kids living beyond the law of civilized man. As they traveled the United States their legend grew. Women started throwing bread at passing boxcars as tribute for vagabond deities.

The Icy Hell Hounds of Keelut

While adventuring in the Great White North, Wifebeater was cornered in an icy cave by the famed Inuit Bounty Hunter, Keelut. He commanded hellish chimeras, polar bears crossed with huskies. Permanently snow blind, he used his heightened sense of hearing to locating the three rouge musicians.

The fight was as bitter as the cold that surrounding them. Joe wrestled half the unholy chimeras through sheer force of will. Kimi morphed into her animal spirit and accepted the challenge with a boisterous roar. Reba dauntlessly faced Keelut’s onslaught. Even Reba’s blessed guitar of relentless fury could not overcome Keelut’s poisoned soul.

Close to death, Wifebeater sang out to collapse the icy tomb. The crystalline roof crumbled and the floor gave into the breathless waters below. What happened after that moment is unclear. Three weeks later, polar bear like creatures were spotted on glaciers in the Hudson Bay and Wifebeater appeared in Pittsburgh.

I met Wifebeater in the cellar of an ancient church. The Code Orange Kids were playing, and The Edukators were negotiating the surrender of Comrade  Kangaroo. There is little documentation of that night, but I assure you of the following:

A death glare from Wifebeater can kill three flies, two birds, and a 1986 Ford Taurus. I survived, but a parked Nissan Sentra had gone to a better place. The car was promptly replaced with a bicycle, and nothing of value was lost.

The local shows after that blurred together. Wifebeater became local heroes with their soy-based leather tannery. Additionally, they unionized the bees to produce vegan friendly honey. Our paths often cross, for adventure’s muse never sleeps.

Wifebeater reminds us:
We are all vagabonds aimless and free.

Holy Hand Grenade of Punk

Crafted by the Heavens, Gifted to Man

There was a day not long ago, the heavens stood still. The clouds shook with thunder and shattered into fragments. Through the Soul Forge’s flame, a figure of perfection streaked down unto the world leaving an amber sky. Legend has it, a punk angel received her wings on that day.

As I wandered aimlessly, going on such adventures required of a punk prophet, I was visited by Mercury, messenger of the gods. He was in one of his many forms, a bicycle punk. His messenger bag was filled with heavenly items: PBR, Show Flyers, etc. From his bag he delivered one particular item, The Last Hope Manifesto CD.

The Last Hope’s CD Release Show was over a week away. If it had been delivered by anyone else, I would have simply concluded it was the work of the devil and burned it. The mere fact that Manifesto had come to me before it’s release could only have meant two things. This is destiny, or it was from the future.

Receiving a CD before it’s released is a tricky situation. If you tell the band about it, their creativity process could be impacted thus resulting in a different cd, time paradox, or parallel universe. Erroring on the side of caution, I decided to wait until the CD Release party before ever listening to The Last Hope. Time Paradox resolved.

Photos of The Last Hope CD Release Show

TheSixtyOne, Demonoid, and bands sending me mp3′s is where I get my music. (Ask me for Demonoid invites here.) Originally, I wasn’t sure what a CD would do. Googling it revealed that in the before times, CD’s were used much like the Edison Phonograph Cylinder to store music. Digging further, I found Apple hid a CD/DVD reader in my iMac.

Non-organic

I was surprised to find out that The Last Hope’s Manifesto was non-organic and non-edible. We can finally put the myth to rest that Manifesto is made of candy. The drool proved the CD to be surprisingly water resistant. Field tests show that rubbing The Last Hope’s Manifesto on SUV’s won’t immediately set them ablaze as one would hope.

Contrary to popular belief The Last Hope doesn’t prevent winter. I left Manifesto in my garden over night to see what effects it would have. My parsley and cilantro did not become ‘herbs on steroids’. Most everything was still killed by the frost. Manifesto survived the winter night’s frost to look pretty bad ass.

Contrary to Popular Belief the Last Hope Doesn't Prevent Winter

Shameless Self Promotion: Buy it at Active Left

The Last Hope’s Manifesto is a refreshing roundhouse kick of ember punk. A panda might be able to eat more bambo, but this album delivers a consistent row of chaos spikes.

Their lyrics are emotionally revealing, highlighting the spiritual struggle and symbolizing the evolution of world mythology beyond the sword birthing into new social theories on autonomism in a post colonial world; Indeed, Manifesto impeccably meshes Emma Goldman’s anarchist romanticism with Noam Chomsky’s polished rhetoric exemplifying DIY Culture and reminding each of us in our hearts:

There’s no war, but the Class War.

Bomb The Music Industry! – “Wednesday Night Drinkball” from Bryan Schlam on Vimeo.

This is happening November 17th, 7pm – $5 but no one turned away.

Image via Wikipedia

Voltaire is an awesome performer. I booked him before just to hear Ooky Spooky before it came out. At the time, he had very few good promotional photos.

When he came back to Pittsburgh with Hellbikini two blocks from my house, I went to take photos of Voltaire for Creative Commons, thus fixing the problem. I would have stayed for the entire show, except Derek Zanetti, Otis Wolves, Shady Ave and I would later have the cops called for being too Rockimus Prime at 1am.

Original Image

The Rex Theatre in Pittsburgh is horrible for photography. A fog machine makes it even worse. I know fog machines are goth… or punk… or raver-ific… and they’re just annoying.

Before you use a fog machine, please consider the following:

1. You will breathe better without one.
2. Fog machines and smoke ruin pictures.
3. People can actually see you without one. (Might not be a good thing.)

How to Reduce Smoke or Fog in Photography

Photoshopped (1) :: Onone Phototune 3, Aperture

Decrease brightness. Increase Contrast. In Phototune, add ~ 20 to clarity and punch. Back in Photoshop or Aperture, you will lower the saturation around 5%.

Photoshopped (2) :: Silver Efex Pro, Photoshop

Dark is goth. Real goth. Essentially, you’re going to desaturated the image. I used Silver Efex Pro to make the image pop by controlling different areas independently.

Remember kids, smoking isn’t goth unless it’s with cloves.

Radical Anti-Insurgency Network (RAIN) Control Panel.

The Secret Service in a press release today announced its new weapon against protesters codenamed the Radical Anti-Insurgency Network (RAIN).  Its primary function according to the release is, “[…] enhancement of patterns in troposphere,” affecting what is commonly known as “weather”. RAIN was recently put online in Pittsburgh, PA in lieu of more traditional anti-protester tools for the G20 Summit hosted this week.

With weather forecast calling for rain throughout most if not all the G20, the Secret Service is pleased with their results. They claim the rainy weather will significantly reduce protester attendance and incidents. So far it seems to be working.

“Seattle was chosen for the 1999 WTO Conference based on its weather,” a spokesman for the Secret Service stated. “Rain was something the city New York couldn’t guarantee. Nevertheless, we were substantially let down.”

The “RAIN” Device, according to the press release, was discovered in late 1944 as Allied Forces advanced. It was one of the many items of interest the Nazi High-Command was forced to leave behind in retreat. Eventually, it was shipped over to the United States where it languished for 64 years in a government warehouse in Nevada.

Earlier this year The Device was taken out of storage with the announcement that Pittsburgh, PA would host the G20 Summit. Although world-renowned for its dismal weather, the experience in Seattle made veteran Secret Service officers unwilling to rely on Pittsburgh to provide the climate they felt optimal. It made its cross-country journey under the utmost secrecy. In mid-August it arrived at it’s temporary home below the Carnegie Science Center.

Key attunement of The Device began several weeks ago causing some of the clearest skies Pittsburgh has ever seen. “I‘m furious.” Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced, “Pittsburgh is famous for rolling grey sky, not sunshine.”

When interviewed, local business owners were shocked, “It’s not right. It goes against Gaia’s Design.” Stated the owner of the East Carson Street Psychic Shop.  Others stopped interviews only to start boarding up store-front windows for fear that RAIN may lead to more destructive weather patterns.

When asked, government officials refused further comment on the story.

UPDATE:

Outside the Postal Service is removing mailboxes from city streets. Another contractor is welding sewer covers closed. Yet inside is a more frantic story. Last minute items are being serviced for the grand opening of the August Wilson Center for African American Culture.

The $39.5 million living museum will officially open tomorrow and African American architect Allison Williams’ design will be actualized. Though filled with contractors now, the 65,000 square-foot complex will house a 486-seat theatre, classrooms, café, gift shop and rental space.

The center was named in honor of playwright August Wilson who passed away in 2005. Wilson, a Pittsburgh native, received two Pulitzer Prizes for Drama for The Pittsburgh Cycle.

Tomorrow’s tribute and ceremony will run 5pm to midnight.

Live Coverage can be followed via @iwasaround on Twitter.

As promised at Netroots Nation, I am working on the guide of “How to Game Twitter” or “Social Status Shamelessly”.

I ask that people please be patient as I juggle writing and the conference.

Grasshopper: Before you master the Captcha, you must first Recognize the "Angles".

My throat is silently yelling today. If I could hear it, it would say, “Jogging in Pittsburgh after two months in the Mountains was stupid.” I feel the punishment.

The smoke from last night’s Elise’s Playground show didn’t help at all. Belvedere’s share’s the smoker’s fog with the late Upstage. My morning sit up’s translated to hunger pangs. Now, I’m here having Irish Tea listening to the Last Internationale.

As I try to relax, I start captching up on my Social Media accounts. Captcha’s are a rough fate for social networking. I breeze through them quickly, except for today. I’ve fail 1 in 10 captcha’s. How Lame. To think, it’s just a bunch of distorted letters and on average 7-8 key strokes. Yet being sick, I am unable to efficiently do them. I should just get a cellphone and do the “No More Captcha” plan. Possibly pay a third world national to enter them. Wait! There is a hypothesis in this.

Hypothesis: Captcha fail/success rates are correlated to illness.
Instead of labeling someone as a spammer, Myspace should start saying, “We’ve notice you’ve been failing captcha’s pretty regularly. Please seek medical attention.”

I am seeing a doctor tomorrow.