RAIN, RAIN, Go Away: Government’s New Anti-Protest Device Exposed

Radical Anti-Insurgency Network (RAIN)
Radical Anti-Insurgency Network (RAIN) Control Panel.

The Secret Service in a press release today announced its new weapon against protesters codenamed the Radical Anti-Insurgency Network (RAIN).  Its primary function according to the release is, “[…] enhancement of patterns in troposphere,” affecting what is commonly known as “weather”. RAIN was recently put online in Pittsburgh, PA in lieu of more traditional anti-protester tools for the G20 Summit hosted this week.

With weather forecast calling for rain throughout most if not all the G20, the Secret Service is pleased with their results. They claim the rainy weather will significantly reduce protester attendance and incidents. So far it seems to be working.

“Seattle was chosen for the 1999 WTO Conference based on its weather,” a spokesman for the Secret Service stated. “Rain was something the city New York couldn’t guarantee. Nevertheless, we were substantially let down.”

Government WarehouseThe “RAIN” Device, according to the press release, was discovered in late 1944 as Allied Forces advanced. It was one of the many items of interest the Nazi High-Command was forced to leave behind in retreat. Eventually, it was shipped over to the United States where it languished for 64 years in a government warehouse in Nevada.

Earlier this year The Device was taken out of storage with the announcement that Pittsburgh, PA would host the G20 Summit. Although world-renowned for its dismal weather, the experience in Seattle made veteran Secret Service officers unwilling to rely on Pittsburgh to provide the climate they felt optimal. It made its cross-country journey under the utmost secrecy. In mid-August it arrived at it’s temporary home below the Carnegie Science Center.

Key attunement of The Device began several weeks ago causing some of the clearest skies Pittsburgh has ever seen. “I‘m furious.” Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced, “Pittsburgh is famous for rolling grey sky, not sunshine.”

When interviewed, local business owners were shocked, “It’s not right. It goes against Gaia’s Design.” Stated the owner of the East Carson Street Psychic Shop.  Others stopped interviews only to start boarding up store-front windows for fear that RAIN may lead to more destructive weather patterns.

When asked, government officials refused further comment on the story.

UPDATE:

According to confidential sources that commented on condition of anonymity, citing the highly-classified nature of the program, despite concerted efforts to ensure The Device created severely inclement conditions, making it all but impossible for anyone to remain outdoors for longer than a few moments, power fluctuations due to blown transformers in the poorly-maintained local power grid caused the device to apparently fail to function at full capacity, creating only a mild drizzle. Nevertheless, the discomfort created by The Device appears to have accomplished the government’s aims, keeping the formerly adamant demonstrators indoors, bringing all major protest to a grinding halt.

*This is satire for those who didn’t get it.

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